


Tell me something dangerous

by winterscaptsam



Category: Marvel
Genre: Flashbacks, Hurt/No Comfort, M/M, Mention of Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:34:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27343627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winterscaptsam/pseuds/winterscaptsam
Summary: “Tell me something dangerous, Sammy.” Bucky asks, so close he could touch.“Waiting,” Sam’s voice was absent. “For something you know is never coming back.”OrSam Wilson has flashbacks and a memory he tries to rid himself of.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Sam Wilson
Comments: 5
Kudos: 27





	Tell me something dangerous

It was impossible really, to think things would end well. 

“Could you not mope around somewhere with a heater?” Bucky, over exaggerating his shattering teeth, jumping up and down to warm himself up.

_ “Barnes, what’s your location?” Sam speaks into the comns, steadying himself as he lands into the rotting building. Making sure he’s alone before he speaks again, “I’m gonna need you to answer me, Soldier.”  _

It was mid December, snow almost reaching their ankles, heavy and cold. Sam never really liked going outside much, only did when he was needed to. But being Captain America came with a cost and the comfort of a home was one of them. Desperately trying to drown Bucky’s voice out, clenching his eyes shut and taking another swig off of his cheap beer.

_ He should’ve realised it then, when Bucky’s usual snark wasn’t drowning out the comns, his tasteful comments of how good Sam looked up there, all dolled up in his tight suit.  _ “ _ Eyes on the target, Barnes.” Sam’d usually say and with all curtesy in the world, Bucky’s eyes on Sam’s ass, “oh, they are.” But this time it never came. It was an echoing silence and Sam should’ve known, how couldn’t he have not known.  _

“You’ll turn yourself into an alcoholic drinkin’ like that,” Bucky reasons, now sitting on the bench next to his partner, “at least offer me some.” 

_ The plan was simple. Find Zemo. Bring him down. They had gone over it a million times and Bucky himself seemed ready to finally, after so long bring justice to his tables. But it’s different, of course it is. This time it’s personal, it hurts deeper than it should. And Sam will curse himself for not seeing it in silent nods at brief meetings, at the blunt replies the morning of.  _

Again, Sam ignores him. Letting out a puff of breath to show his clear agitation,  _ just leave me alone.  _ This was Bucky’s strong suit, the stubborn arse he was, he couldn’t just leave people to their own devices. Perhaps it’s because he knew they didn’t want to be left, even if they hadn’t realised it themselves. 

_ “You were reckless! And stupid, God, how could you be so fucking stupid?!” Sam had shouted as soon as the door to their home was shut. Bucky stayed silent, throwing the keys into the bowl and walking away into the kitchen.  _

“You still blame me, don’t you? Sometimes I can’t tell if it’s me you hate or yourself.” Bucky’s voice seemingly calm, it only irritates Sam further.  _ Stop, just fucking stop talking.  _ He almost pleads aloud. 

_ “Stupid?” Bucky span around to face Sam. “I was trying to save everyone’s goddamn life,” and just as quick as he did, Sam came back even faster, voice clear with anger and frustration. “You keep playing hero and you will get yourself killed.”  _

_ “For fucks sake, Sam. It’s not always about playin’ hero.”  _

It’s lovely, isn’t it? How beautiful the world can look on your worst of days. How the Earth will just keep spinning, the kids will carry on laughing and the weather will not calm on your account. Almost as if it all doesn’t matter, an inconvenience to the universe itself. 

_ “What’s it about then? Revenge? Some sort of redemption arc shit on your behalf? What the fuck were you thinking? They could have you written up for this, if I hadn’t of found you in ti-“ Sam stopped, eyeing at Bucky’s unfazed look. “You don’t even care, do you?” _

_ “Leave off, Wilson.” Bucky said, turning on his back once more. _

_ “Running away. It’s always been your thing, hasn't it? Controlled or not.” And Sam was trying, trying to rile him up. He refused to let Bucky back down.  _

_ “Oh, fuck you!” Bucky spun around, cheeks flushed red and fists clenching at his side, all up in Sam’s space. “What do you know, eh? Fancy suit and shield,” he quickly licks his lips, “bet you get off of being leader, waitin’ to order people around. Never were keen on being Roger’s pet, huh?” He’s mocking, hurting and giving up all at once.  _

_ Sam only blinks, scoffing at Bucky’s words as if they didn’t cut deep. “Next time you want to sacrifice yourself, don’t do it on my bloody mission.” And he leaves Bucky standing there alone. He wanders how long Bucky stood aimlessly, he hadn’t heard his room door close till much later. _

“I always thought sacrificing yourself for the greater good was bullshit,” Bucky says, Sam almost wants to scoff. “‘Cause good don’t last, does it Sammy? You know that.” And God, does Sam know that. 

Good didn’t last when he was 14 years old and waiting for dad to come home until he was saying goodbye at a funeral. Good didn’t last at Sarah’s wedding and almost a year later he was waiting on bail for almost beating his sisters abuser to death. Good didn’t last when he met Riley and all he saw was red sand. Good didn’t last when blonde hair turned grey and five years were Iost on him. Good didn’t last on his mother’s death bed. Good didn’t last as he replayed Natasha’s last words to him in his head. Good didn’t last. It never does. 

_ It wasn’t till days later that Sam finally broke the silence. “Why’d you do it?” He asked and Bucky looked at him as if he knew the answer. He did.  _

“I’m not gonna go till you talk to me, Sammy. You know I can’t.” Bucky pleads, his eyes begging to meet honey pooled brown irises. He doesn’t. “You remember that night, don’t you?” Bucky asks, grinning at his own memory, “not that one.” His smile falters when he sees Sam reactionless. He tries again. “The night you told me you loved me,” 

Sam’s heart almost stops in his chest. He swallows back, hard.  _ No,  _ he closes his eyes.  _ Not that night, not again.  _ He almost begs Bucky to stop, to just stop talking, he can’t remember, he doesn’t want to, he won’t. Not again. 

_ “I didn’t mean the shit I said, the other day.” Bucky ignored Sam’s question, avoiding his gaze. “But you were right,” _

_ “About what?”  _

_ “Revenge. If I gave him what he wanted, he’d have to live the rest of his life...empty?”  _

_ “Giving yourself up to him is your idea of revenge?” Sam almost wants to mock his stupidly, bites his tongue back from doing so.  _

The sun slowly starts to set, he knows he should bring himself up to leave and go home but he can’t. It isn’t home anymore. He keeps his eyes straight ahead. 

“I am sorry, you know?” Bucky supplies after a moments of silence, “don’t ask me what for, just so many, too many things. From spilling your oj to not saying it earlier. Though it would’ve been appreciated if you had said it earlier too.” Bucky sighs at the silence, he’s trying at least. “I remember when I was little, I hated the snow so goddamn much. Even said it was snowing in my hell because that’s the only way God knew how to pain me.” He laughs bitterly, “should’a kept my mouth shut by the looks of it,” kicking the snow beneath his feet. 

_ It was the night before it all went down. Bucky was sat on his bed, elbows on his knees as he ran his hands through his hair more times than he could count. Sam came in moments later, still hot and steaming from his shower but now in his sweats and shirt. He sat close to Bucky, offered a hand on his shoulder, just lightly as though it wasn't even there.  _

_ “Sam.” Bucky’s hoarse voice breathed out.  _

_ “I know. It’ll be over before we know it. And I trust you, just so you know.”  _

_ “It’s not that. I-“ Bucky closed his eyes, begging words to form as he looked up at and risked the eye contact, scared his eyes would show it all. And before he knew it, it was a mindless act yet a rush of power was sent through him. He cupped Sam’s cheeks and leaned forward, closing their gap and kissing him softly. And just as he relaxed into the kiss, Sam pulled away. _

_ “Bucky…” _

_ “Just so you know.” He says, waiting for it to all crash, for Sam to leave and act as though it never happened. He doesn’t. He leans back even stronger, pushing their lips together and deepening the kiss. And it was all types of wrong, to be intimate at a time like this yet they couldn’t help it. The sensation, the thrill, the yearning finally being given a chance.  _

_ “I love you,” Sam breathes against his lips, pulling them down into the bed as he peppered kisses along Bucky’s jaw and then back to his mouth.  _

_ Bucky almost wanted to cry, he thinks he did. Absently registering Sam kissing at his cheeks, perhaps at the wetness. “I love you,” Bucky panted out, “so fucking much.”  _

_ They should’ve bit back their confessions, maybe then it would’ve hurt less.  _

A cold lonely tear slides down Sam’s cheek, he doesn’t make an effort to wipe it away this time. He looks ahead, the snow falling off of polished stone, a carved name and old flowers. 

“Tell me something dangerous, Sammy.” Bucky asks, so close he could touch. 

“Waiting,” Sam’s voice was absent. “For something you know is never coming back.”

_ At 15:01 hours on the fifth of October. Bucky’s comns sent an echo into the ears of its listeners. At 15:02 hours, Sam realised.  _

After giving in and speaking back, Sam turned to face Bucky, finding him gone and realising once again, he was alone. And isn’t that the most dangerous thing of it all, to finally realise your loneliness? 

**Author's Note:**

> Ah, pain. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, would love to hear your thoughts x


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